#like who am i making safety plans for when im alone

[lilgynt]

as a man thing i genuinely hate men and want them dead

[silly-thinkings]

The cursed stone Fin!

OMG i finished this STORYYYYYYY. I got let go from work today and thought to myself "Maybe now is a great time to finish this thing" I hope you enjoy this story as it was a fun to write. I now feel more comfortable with posting all these OTHER STORIES that i've been writing in my notes. I did not edit this so forgive my mistakes.

Pt.7

Tired, but smiling. When you walked into the jazzy establishment all the workers greeted you with a smile. Most of them knew of your plan of escape. Of course they did, they too wanted out of this life. For their safety you never shared any information, however they trusted you. You entered a room with your boss on the other side. Many bodyguards litter the room, some laughing while others on high alert.

“Ahh there's the star of the show.” Maxwell greeted you with open arms. For the first time in a long time you did not return the favor “One of your boys raided my home, beat up my son, and accused me of giving you up. What the hell is that about hmm?”

The room goes quiet, but your guard does not waver. Maxwell’s smile turned into a deep frown. “Who did this?”

You look to your right to see the man to blame. He wore the same black suit the other guards wore. Except he had a red rose on his chest pocket. The man looked angry over the phone. “Eddy sir.”

At the sound of his name he froze. Adjusted his suite and tie. Then turned around. “I've been called.” His smile disgusted you as he approached your area

Maxwell raised his hand dismissing everyone in the room. Once it was just the three of you alone he whispered something in Eddys ear.

The man's smile grew, as if he was finally receiving his just deserts.

“Y/n you've been good to me. So i'll cut to the chase. Your son has been a very naughty boy. He was the rat. HE is the reason why I need to rush my plans and YOU will decide his fate.”

You felt your heart sank. All that work, all that effort of keeping Jamie safe was for what. “Sir i can assure you that-”

“A- a- a-” The boss pulls a gun from his inner pocket calmly. “I am asking for you to choose how this is going to go.”

You felt your body shake as now there's a gun to your chest. The man steps closer gently placing the weapon on your skin “I really liked you as my right hand Y/n. So I hope you make the wise choice.”

Eddie reuters with a phone, he hands it to you. You try to stay calm but your hands are visibly shaken. “H-hello”

“Mom… Im sorry.” Jamies voice was on the other end. Not again, if anything this was even worse than before. “Max. whats this about.”

Maxwell stepped back from you loading the gun “Three men y/n. Three! Of my men were murdered by your son. So, what are you going to do about it?”

“Mom. Im sorry. I just want you out of this mess. I want us free… I dont want to die again.”

Again? You shook your head. No time for that. You took a deep breath “Listen baby. I love you. Follow the plan.”

“W-what?” Jamies voice was frantic over the phone but you hung up before he can incriminate himself further.

You took a deep breath “Alright Max. Since my son was the one that did it. I will be in the black box for as long as you wish.”

Eddies jaw dropped. He was hoping for a more hysterical pleading but not this. “B-boss no way. We have to keep these two. We have to.”

Bang!

You flinched as the gun shot rang in your ear. Eddie held onto his thigh as he howled in pain. “You! I should have you killed for this. You're the reason why I have to get rid of my best employee.” Maxwell kneeled down to the screaming man “You will never be as efficient as Y/N L/N”

On the inside you felt such terrors but the lives of others, your plan with Batman and the GCPD cannot be compromised. Tonight is the night where all of the people who've suffered under this tyrant get their freedom. Max loaded the gun “Move.” His faux friendly demeanor now gone as he escorted you out the room.

The two of you walked deeper and deeper underground. Many of the personnel watched as you had a gun to the back of your head, as if it were some twisted parade. The band members began arguing with some of the security, you heard their cries and the next thing chaos. Another gunshot rang out. A warning shot. “I don't want to hear anymore complaining! Witness what happens when you cross me.” You look towards your friends and softly shake your head. Please, the plan is still in motion. You'll all be safe.

You continued to walk now with your hands up in surrender “Max please. They know nothing. You don’t want to lose any more money.”

He chucked. Amused that you’re still caring about his assets. At the press of a warm weapon on your shoulder, you move into a room accepting that you won't make it out.

Meanwhile

Jim Gorden strategize and reviewed the plan on how to successfully infiltrate the establishment. Many many cops were armed and ready.

Batman sped down the streets with Damian beside him. He held onto the stone tightly, this was his last chance to save the family. “Hey B. I'm getting some strange signals on our communications. I think we’re being hacked? No way.” Tim spoke through the speaker phone. A soft static can be heard through the airwaves. “Pick- me- up… Jay-”

Damian snapped to attention. “Red robin. Enhance that signal.”

Tim groaned “Why should i”

“Just Do it! We have no time.”

Tim locked in on the signal finding the location “Its that kid again. The blond one.”

Damian looked to his father “Pick him up. Please.”

Bruce shifted gears and drove towards the red dot. Damian let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. When they reach the destination Jamie didn't have time to geek out over the batmobile. He was thrown in and sped out.

You felt pain shoot up your leg. You fell to the floor with a thud quickly applying pressure to your new wound. “Put her on the chair.” The two guards from earlier recovered quickly. Each of them grabbed your arm and pulled you up. Your attempts to struggle were in vain as blood trailed on the floor. The guards securely bound your arms and legs on the limbs of the chair then moved away. You sent a glare at the gun welder “What the hell max” you say through gritted teeth.

The crime boss laughed “don’t play coy with me missy. You know what happenes in here. I need you to learn.” Max nodded his head at the men. The guard happily punched you in the face. You didn't cry out, nor did you scream. “Ohh” max placed a finger under your chin, forcing you to look him in the eye “you took that well.” You smiled “what kind of girl do you take me for? I wouldn’t be where I am if I couldn’t handle something as petty as this.” Another punch to the face made you dizzy “you know I HATE meaningless death? My men were killed yesterday. And now Batman is probably on his way over!” He grabbed your hair “I know you’ve been protecting the lives that serve me. The band, those women that sing with you. That boy.” He leaned in close “let me ask this again, for the record. Answer honestly.” You felt his breath on your ear “Are you responsible for Batman raiding my property?” You chuckled before you slammed your head onto his as hard as you could. Maxwell tumbled back and held his nose. “Yes~”

“Where is Y/N?” Robin asked Jamie who was handcuffing another person. Jamie looked around “I dont know. The last time we spoke was over the phone.” Robin hummed. He then placed a hand on his head as it began to throb“TT!” Jamie walked to the crime fighter “Hey? You good?” “My memories you idiot” Robin’s grip on the pouch that contained his piece of the stone tightened “we must find her. Did you bring the stone?”

“Yea.” To Damians surprise Jason called him through the earpiece “hey, I caught the main man. He was trying to escape on a boat.” “How is this relevant to Red Hood?” “He said Y/N’s downstairs. In the cold room.” Damian’s face scrunched together. “The cold room?” Jamie’s eyes widened “No… no no no no” The blond bolted through the crowd. “Hey! Wait!” Robin caught up with him and asked," What is the cold room.” Jamie Looked at him with panicked eyes “That's where they go to interrogate people. But those who go in never come out.” The two just kept running down some stairs and deeper into tunnels. Jamie finally reached the door. He slammed his body against it, desperately trying to open the door “C’mon you stupid- . Why won’t THIS DOOR OPEN.” “Move over” Damian pulled out two lock pick pins and pushed him aside. He had to hurry. This is the last chance they had to get their lives back. It was up to him, and only him. Jamie heard the lock click. He stood by the door frozen, unable to go through with opening the door. This was his fault surely, she protected him yet again. Damian frantically opened the door and his worst horrors laid before him. “UMMI!” Damian rushed to her side “Ummi! Mother please. Open your eyes.” you groaned. Music to his ears. Jamie shuffled his feet next to them. His legs couldn’t hold him anymore as he fell to his knees “Mom.” Jamie could barely whisper with how his lips quivered. You smiled “my boys.” “ TT’ How could you smile at a time like this! I need to treat your wounds.” Even though he tried to sound stern, the boy's voice shook. Her whole body littered with deep gashes and bruises. Blood began to pool from her leg, and her eyes were beginning to close for longer periods of time. Damian pulled out the broken stone and placed it in her hand “mother. Forgive me. I’m so sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean any of it. This wasn’t supposed to happen.” Jamie allowed himself to cry “im sorry ma. It should have been me. It was supposed to be me!” You gathered all the strength that you could to weakly place a hand on Jamie’s head, whilst the other found its way to Damians cheek dropping the stones in the process. “I remember. Dick, Jason, Timothy, Jamie, Damian.” Your hands found its way to each child. Interlocking your fingers with theirs “I know you didn’t mean what you said Damian.” More tears streamed down his face “why! Why isn’t it working.” Jamie’s head rose slowly “forgiveness… I don’t think… She’s the one that needs to forgive.” You smile. Your vision begins to cloud. You're dying and you knew it. Jamie looked at Damian “I’m sorry. For thinking that you and the rest were out to kill us. I’m sorry for what I said.” Damian nodded “I am also sorry for. How do you put it… “jumping the gun”

Unbeknownst to them You felt a tear slowly fall down your cheek as you took your last breath.

“Damian, you need to forgive yourself for the words you said. Truly” Jamie nodded towards the stone that was faintly glowing.

“Where’s your stone? We need to give it to Ummi” Damian reached for his and placed it in your hand. It was only then where he noticed your body limp. Jamie noticed your head fall to the side. Your chest wasn’t rising and falling. “Wait…” “MOTHER!” Batman finally arrived at the scene only to find Robin and Jamie crying out in agony. Bruce let out a shaky breath himself, he was too late to save her. He wasn’t fast enough. “MOTHER PLEASE. I'M SORRY!” Damian didn’t mean t loose his cool during a mission. Surely this was out of character for him. But the pain. From the headaches to the tightening of his chest he held onto the hand of his adoptive mother. Bruce had never seen let alone heard this side of Damian. Jamie’s cries died down however The poor boy firmly gripped onto her hand while he rested his head into her chest. “It should've been me.” Jamie whispered. Damian’s head rose. Sniffles can be heard as he picked up both of the peace’s of the stone. “Ummi. I’m so sorry.” Bruce heard footsteps in the distance. “Police are coming. We need to-“ His words were taken from him from the overwhelming sight in front of his. Unbeknownst to the boys, a glowing yellow light enveloped all three bodies. “Robin! Jamie, get out!” Bruce attempted to grab both of them but the light soon engulfed everything.

All they heard was an angry shout. ~~ Damian blinked. He looked around to find himself in the cave. Holding the stone. “You’re right.” Damian’s head immediately snapped upwards. He couldn’t believe it. “I am not your mother. But-“ “UMMI!!!” Damian placed the stone back and ran straight into your arms. “I’m so sorry. I won’t be going on patrol. I’ll listen to what you say. Please forgive me.” You looked down at him confused. “W-what?” Just then you felt an immense weight all around you. All four of your boys tackled you to the ground. “Ma! You’re back.” Jason was the first to speak. “We missed you so much. No, no we love you so very much.” Tim exclaimed as he squeezed in-between Dick and Damian. “Ma, you have got to sing for us. Or maybe give us some fighting tips yourself hmmm~” Dick added to which it confused you greatly. “What’s going on? Why are you all… I mean, I love this but where is it coming from.” Suddenly all of them began speaking at once. Time travel, alternate reality, Damian being the cause. It was so overwhelming. “Wait wait wait.” The sound of the batmobile couldn't even shake the children off you. “Bruce, get your children.” you say as you truly try to get up. But you are simply not strong enough.

Bruce stepped out of the car confused. He removed his cowl “What did I miss?”

Jason finally had his fill and rose from the pile. Just for fun he lifted Tim up with ease. “Hey.”

Jason walked towards Bruce and placed a hand on his shoulder “Thanks B.” As much as he wants to stay behind and spend time with you, he has a reputation to uphold. Jason got on his motorcycle and left the cave. Maybe, just maybe Jamie could be out there like he was.

Bruce returned to the rest of his family. Dick helped his surprised wife “I didn't think Damian would take the news like this.” he reached out to you only for you to stop him “Ew no, shower first then we talk.”

Bruce rolled his eyes. He watched you and the boys head upstairs riddling you with questions of how the two of you met, who was your former employer, etc. He looked upon the desk to see that yellow stone from their earlier mission. Bruce went to it and looked at the cracks that weren't there before.

“Ill ask later.” *AN: I normally don't do taglist but i do remember some of the usernames that asked when the next chapter will be. I hope i got all of you guys. Thank you again for your patience :) @lafrone @freyathehuntress @tn-2358 @littlepadfootmoony @billyg4en

[hpdfag]

needle and bandage emoji to be specific . FORGOT TO INCLUDE THE BANDAGE

HI HI HELLO !!!!!!!!!!! WAVES this got long as fuck and i unmasked maybe a little too much so its hidden under the cut 4 now ... thank u for sending these in i always love a chance to ramble :3

🩹 - what would you do if your darling hurt themself??

auauahaghhhghhh i would feel SO TERRIBLE even if it wasnt my fault ... he deserves all of the grace in the world, i would do my best to make sure he knew i was there for him, that i really did love him, that he wasnt alone

i would worry about his safety very deeply, but i don't think i'd force him to stop. i'd tell him i was worried, and that i loved him, and that i wanted to do whatever i could, but ultimately it was up to him, you know?

ive had so many people react in just the worst most unhelpful ways when they figured out i had relapsed with self harm and i know i'd never wish that kind of insensitivity and callousness on my love, even if it was out of a place of love and care, i just want him to do what feels best for him

however if he carved my name in himself i think id. how do i put this in an appropriate manner. pass out. and if he wanted me to cut him up i would have a very hard time finding it in myself to say no ^_^ i may have some morals but they are a bit flimsy unfortunately

💉 - how far would you go to get your darlings love??

as far as i could push without him hating me or getting upset!! i think its a bit counter-intuitive to keep pushing and breaking down your darling until they give in. there's just no staying power to a relationship like that!

i'd mold myself into whatever he wanted, slowly but surely, so he wouldn't notice. if he said he prefered people with darker hair, a few weeks later, id get someone else to dye my hair and make them think it was their idea. if he wanted someone more assertive, who stood up for themselves more, slowly but surely id let myself grow, and try to find it in me to really speak my mind. if he wanted someone he could fix up, if he wanted a pet project he could be proud of, i'd let myself shatter, let myself fall into pieces again for him to put back together like kintsugi, better than i was before i fell apart because of him.

in general, im terrible at trying to take control. i fell first, but he was the one that asked me out, and then proposed. i try to be subtle, so there's no chance of me seeming overbearing. i'll become whatever he wants. anything at all.

i think also, part of this, is i trust him at this point to be able to control himself. he isnt some kind of idiot who only acts on base impulses, i trust that he loves me, and can have friends without becoming too buddy-buddy with them.

i couldn't kill anyone he cared about, it would make him too sad, and i'd be hesitant to throw a wedge between them, if only because we have such a small community back home. it would distort the balance. everyone relies on him, needs him, and i can't destroy that. i need to cultivate hope, not bring despair. our friends, they're scared of me, even if i'm relatively harmless. i think i could get people to back off pretty easily by just saying i was concerned, and they would know to do it in a way that didn't hurt hinata, because they know how serious i am about him. about his happiness. and they care about him too. so i would hope they know how to react to something like that. i would also hope it wont be necessary.

im planning on spending my life with him, not setting us both on fire. i need him to be happy. i need him to love me. i need to be able to love him to survive. ive toned myself down as much as i think i can in hopes of appeasing him. if i wasnt so scared of hurting him, i think i would kill for him. i think id cut us off from everyone if i didnt know it would kill them too. he's so important. i want everyone to be able to bear witness to his light, i just cant stand people who want to take it for themselves. they should know their place.

people who aren't from the island though? who just want to take him? they drive me insane. i cant stand them, the audacity they have, to think they're worthy to even be near him. to think he would love them the way he loves me. i value my own life, so i couldn't kill them. but i definitely want to sometimes. at the very least i'd cut them out of his life as swiftly as possible. FF workers, people from the mainland, people from this awful reality who think he'd ever call them his. id cut them out like a tumor. as quickly and as efficiently as possible, without any care for the fallout. the cancer would be gone.

[sunflowercider]

Possibly worse than "making up a guy to get mad at" is getting stuck in a ever increasing anger loop thinking about how you could have spoken better when it really mattered

i just gotta write this out to exorcise it from my brain this morning. Kinda personal and kinda icky so hiding it

I know my extended family isn't exactly a bastion of progressive politics (thankfully my parents were a little slow on some uptakes but generally pretty good) but the sensitive topics never really came up in the few times a year I would see them (christmas. a wedding or funeral). I live closer to them as an adult now. And I see them more often, like every 3-4 months. Generally family parties.

About two years ago, at one party, the topic of child beach safety came up since it was on the news. Okay, safe enough. I'd realized by that point that my family was definitely one of those "conservatives who think theyre very progressive" types (california conservative?), so I'd learned when to put up my shielding. "Beach safety," sure, yeah yeah, "adults these days not watching their kids anymore blah blah." Not sure thats true, but okay, whatever.

"You know, you gotta be careful, theres homeless people by that beach!"

Oh fuck.

I'm sure it's the same in many cities right now, but homelessness in all of SoCal is pretty high lately. I'd managed to wiggle out of potential conversations about it by flat out ignoring family when they scoffed and pointed out homeless people while driving, or by responding quietly by wondering if the person was doing okay in the sun/heat/cold. "Can you believe there's homeless people here now?" Yeah man, it's rough out there, isn't that hard for them? Use your real words and I'll use mine.

The news report came up again. There were some homeless people, gasp, using drugs. What drugs? Doesnt matter; what matters is what happens next.

"...and they found five of them OD'd on the corner!"

"Well, five less to worry about, thank goodness!"

Cue laugh track.

I am fucking frozen.

This cannot be real.

"How could you say something like that?"

It's the best I got. I am a very poor speaker unless it's a planned lecture, and I certainly had not planned to defend the dignity of five homeless people who had passed away today.

The family backpedals fast.

I cant clearly remember how they backpedaled tbh. I was in shock. Something awfully close to like "they deserve what they do to themselves" or something, and how I was too young (im nearly fucking 30 at this point???) to understand.

And it is at that exact moment I look around at the table and realize that one of my 15 year old cousins is sitting at the corner, arms crossed and curled up, looking directly at me.

Oh, fuck, I cannot let her think she's alone here. And fuck this, that was lightyears too far.

So I try to speak up.

I am very bad at it.

I try to explain homeless people are real people. They just can't get back up after a fall. An aunt has the fucking gall to say they could always ask a friend of family to crash on a couch. I try to explain to her that not every family is as fucking huge as ours, and even then maybe they can't talk to them for some reason. I'm waved off. Someone defends that there are homeless shelters they can go to. I try to explain that theyre often full and sometimes arent safe or accommodating. I get pressed for details and my brain shutters, not well-versed enough in the topic to pull real examples out of my hat.

It's a blur at this point, but I am both outnumbered and way too angry and upset to come up with much. It's a loss, clear and loud.

It's a wonder I didn't leave the party that day. I think I stuck to my cousins for most of it, or my very deaf grandma who literally couldn't hear any part of the conversation.

That party keeps fucking haunting me. As it should - I realized my family has a hard line on who they consider people. It sucks it sucks it sucks. But theyre my family, and damned if I'm going to let the adults have the only say when my cousins, all of which are younger than me, are in the damn room.

[tonydaddingham]

am i missing something in kinda comparing the entire maggie and nina situation to paris? 'cause there was no need to get them to fall in love. a&c might not be able to make people actually feel it, but they seem to have mind control down pat without much effort (or any moral quandaries). they could have waited for an angel to show up and just faked it- easy, certain way out. it's not like the idea of working together like that is even weird, not after the gabriel miracle.

so. either they missed it, which is plausible, and uhhh, renders this whole ask pointless, or *would* have moral issues with it (also plausible💀), or they're being completely ridiculous again, and would rather plan balls than actually make an effort to get themselves out of Mortal Fucking Peril (not that aziraphale necessarily knows it is). i think it would fit the pattern, honestly- when not having huge blowouts over *problems of their own making* (hey aziraphale kill this kid it'll be fine, aziraphale why won't you ditch earth with me, crowley why won't you come to heaven with me), the ineffables always seem to be constantly, aggressively orbiting eachother, making heart eyes and goofing off (cough end of the resurrectionists "not kind" cough) with 0 regard for safety except for the (very very sadly i can't find the -ennial word for every other century) occasional heart attack, and then just skipping right back down the aisle.

(hope this is coherent, i've been editing things a little too long to tell)

hello @aq-uatic my darling!!!💕

(bby im so sorry!!! i thought i had posted this ages ago and i went rooting around in the drafts to continue something else and realised i hadn't!!! im an idiot sorry!!!)

i think there is some context behind aziraphale's actions in particular with this scene:

we know that aziraphale has a fondness for maggie, that i'd argue goes slightly beyond the fondness he has for humans in general (and even then that's questionable at times), and he seems genuinely put out that he's not in a position to help her - to wiggle his fingers about, and make it happen for her (horrifying implications, aziraphale, but we move). so, whilst aziraphale obviously is prompted into the whole 'lets-make-these-two-humans-fall-in-love-bc-that's-totally-normal-and-okay' by holding the everyday record back in the bookshop, i think there is an element of aziraphale genuinely wanting to help her, and coming up with the ball is his interpretation of an organic way to do that (💀). but it doesn't justify the whole thing one little bit; despite the possibility of that being his intention, it's completely batshit - nina certainly didnt know, let alone consent, to anything, and maggie didn't either; they're not dolls for either of them to play around with.

essentially though, i agree - any logical, coherent, sensible thinking would have probably just helped them arrive at a solution that didn't involve warping reality and bringing a whole room of people under a horrifying amount of hypnosis. but you have two supernatural creatures who, in a fairly major way by the time of 2023 at least, have their sense of existing amongst humanity influenced by not only the clandestine, dramatic nature of their own story, but by their tendencies towards damsel-but-not-wholly-in-distress-ing and anti-hero-at-best-ing respectively. we have to barely scratch the surface to see the intertextuality between these traits of theirs, and where they might stem from stories told in certain books and movies (emma by jane austen, and james bond spring to mind).

they constantly talk in riddles to each other, in code and in double meanings - they may somewhat understand the general sense of what the other is saying, but it's not categorical and leaves too much room for error or misinterpretation (which, ultimately, it does). it's a constant dance circling each other, ebbing and flowing, pulling in and drawing back, but never coming together properly; it's a quadrille vs. a waltz.

it makes sense that they are so used to finding the most roundabout and convoluted ways to do things, and this continues into s2, because not only is it how it tends to go down in fiction, but also because that's literally how they've had to exist - not only so their closeness isn't detected, or so their true natures aren't suspected by their respective head offices, but also by nature of being literal supernatural creatures living amongst humans - sleeper agents, of a kind - and constantly having to exist without detection.

none of this makes it right, of course not - but i actually don't think they see any other way of going about things. they're so good at it, so well practiced, that (as just two examples) they run verbal rings around gabriel/metatron (book) and beelzebub chattering about the great vs. ineffable plans at the airfield, and they dance around the most straightforward solution to the maggie/nina problem. as for themselves and their relationship, they dont speak plainly to each other until the bandstand or final fifteen... and even then, i feel like its aziraphale that is maybe the first to break and speak plainly? idk:

i think it's clear that crowley is the more scared, and therefore the more cautious, in this regard. for all his objections attempting to distance himself as an angel compared to crowley's being a demon, aziraphale feels to me that he is the more inclined to throw caution to the wind. i think its because crowley understands the danger in blowing their cover a little more than aziraphale does - aziraphale on multiple occasions slips in nearly admitting their closeness (1800, end of 1827 as you pointed out, and when meeting with the archangels in heaven in s1) - and is still stuck in the safety that dancing around what should be plainly said affords them. they both - as you wonderfully put it - aggressively orbit each other, and breaking the holding pattern comes a little too late.

so no, i think your drawing the parallel between the Weird-Ass dynamic in 1793, how they handle the maggie/nina storyline, and then how they behave with each other, is very apt! but its, at this time, arguably all that they've known - acting in this way - and breaking the cycle is starting to happen, but won't pay its dividends until s3✨

[missjanjie]

No More Shadows Anymore | Anarcia

Title: No More Shadows Anymore Summary: When Marcia is at her lowest, Luxx knows it's going to take something drastic to pull her out of that slump. Anetra is a massage therapist willing to do her neighbor a favor. After all, it's clear that Marcia needs to let her mind drift elsewhere, and she has just the magic touch to get her there. Word Count: 1354 Relationship(s): Anetra/Marcia  Rating: E Notes: ty to @themetaluna for beta-ing! also this is so far from my original plan but im happy w how it came out

Read on AO3 | Ko-Fi

-

“If you’re not out of bed in five minutes, I’m coming in there and dragging your ass out,” Luxx warned her roommate through the door.

“I’d like to see you try!” Marcia shouted, though muffled from being under the covers. She then remembered that Luxx was more than likely capable of following through if she tried. “Ugh, fine.” She haphazardly threw her legs over the side of the bed and forced herself to stand up. After running a hand through her hair, she caught sight of herself in the mirror and knew her friend would chew her out for being in the same oversized t-shirt for the fourth day in a row. Instead, the shirt was swapped out for the first tank top and pair of shorts she found before finally exiting the room. “See? I’m alive.”

Luxx wasn’t pleased and her concern lingered. It was clear the blonde hadn’t gotten out of bed to do anything but use the bathroom and get snacks. “Barely,” she retorted as she looked her up and down before her expression softened to one of sympathy and she led her to sit with her on the couch. “Marsh, I’m starting to worry about you.”

“I’m going to be fine,” Marcia assured, though she knew their friend wasn’t convinced, especially when she followed up with, “I just lost almost everything I held dear with no safety net to fall on and am now doubting every decision I’ve made in my adult life. Also, my head hurts.”

“I know, I know. No one is trying to minimize your pain, your feelings are valid. But this isn’t healthy for you, babe.” She took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly, “I want you to go across the hall and see Anetra. She’s a massage therapist who owes me a favor.”

Marcia sputtered in disbelief that Luxx would even suggest such a thing. “Anetra? As in the unfairly hot neighbor that I can’t make extended eye contact with? You want me to see her looking like this?”

“Well, you could shower first.”

She realized that Luxx must have already spoken to Anetra, so she was left with little choice. “Y’know, self-care is usually more consensual,” she huffed as she got up and retrieved a change of clothes from her room before going into the bathroom.

By the time she was knocking on Anetra’s door, she’d deemed themself presentable — a clean t-shirt and shorts, hair brushed back into a ponytail, and the shower had brought life and color back into her face. But when Anetra opened the door, she instantly recognized concern in her expression and filled right back up with doubt. “Um… hey. I guess Luxx told you I was coming over, so.”

Anetra ushered her inside, explaining, “She debriefed me on your situation, and I feel so bad that you’re going through all that, so, since I’m able to help, it only made sense to offer.”

“I appreciate it,” she said sincerely, though she sat awkwardly perched on her couch. She alternated between waiting for her to say something and trying to figure out something she could do to fill the silence. Normally, she didn’t mind silence, but being alone with her hot neighbor in her apartment had her mind racing too fast for coherent thoughts to form.

“So, I’ve turned the guest room into an at-home massage studio,” Anetra told her, “I have robes and towels and stuff, if you wanna go get ready, I’ll come in shortly.”

“Do I, um… undress? Like, completely?”

She shrugged. “That’s generally what’s expected, but do whatever’s most comfortable to you.”

Marcia nodded and took the robe, then let herself into the other room. She took off her shirt and shorts, then hesitated. It wasn’t a matter of insecurity, but the thought of Anetra’s hands on her naked body was almost overwhelming. But that had to have been Luxx’s plan — to hit her with something so distracting that she would have no choice but to stop thinking about her pain. So, she bit the bullet and took off her bra and underwear as well, then put on the robe and sat on the massage table as she waited.

Anetra came in a few minutes later. “Go ahead and lay on your stomach,” she instructed as she dimmed the light and put on ambient music. She waited until Marcia was ready before asking, “lavender or eucalyptus? Lavender’s better for relaxing, but it’s kind of a divisive scent.”

“Lavender’s fine,” she answered. She was trying to focus on relaxing, but the moment she felt a pair of oiled-up hands on her back, her mind went blank and her body melted under her touch. Anetra’s hands were magical, ethereal. Marcia didn’t think her body had the capacity to be this at ease. And she stayed in the state of calmness until Anetra’s hands moved to her ass, which caused a spark of arousal to pulse through her. Embarrassed, she instinctively pressed her thighs together.

“Unclench,” Anetra gently instructed. “It’s normal to experience arousal. Don’t fight it, it’ll help release dopamine.”

Marcia was relieved she was laying face-down, as her face was now bright red. “Right, sorry,” she mumbled, willing herself to relax again and doing her best not to overthink.

After another few moments of trying to get Marcia into the same state she’d been in before, Anetra offered, “Would it help if I did get you off?” Before she could answer, she clarified with, “I don’t offer actual customers that, I’m not that type of masseuse. But Luxx did kind of sell you out… and I’m not mad about it.”

“Oh my god, I’m gonna kill her. I’m so sorry, I— wait,” she picked her head up, “you’re not?”

“Look, I’m a professional,” she continued, “but I’m also not immune to pretty blondes, what can I say?” She let her hand trail from Marcia’s ass, down to her ankles, and back up with gentle strokes. “You’re way too tense, let me do what I know you need done.”

And Marcia knew she was helpless to object, that it was clear Anetra knew what she was doing and not backing down, so she allowed herself to admit, “I want you to do it.”

“Good girl,” she cooed, which sent another wave of pleasure through Marcia’s body. She waited for her breathing to even back out before she continued to work her hands. At first, she continued the massage as before, then let her fingers dip between her thighs and trace along her slit. When she wasn’t met with resistance, she eased a finger into her and began slow, deep thrusts, twisting and curling it to see what got the best reactions out of her.

It was almost embarrassing how easily Marcia was reduced to whimpers and moans, her body doing everything it could to urge her on. But when she felt a hand press on her back, she realized she must have been squirming too much and forced herself to lay back down in as relaxed a position as she could manage.

Anetra rubbed her back reassuringly before shifting focus again. She eased in a second finger, thrusting and curling them in any way that elicited more of those pretty moans out of her. It wasn’t long before the blonde’s moans became sharper and higher. She felt her body tense under the hand on her back, then go limp. After a beat, she eased her fingers out. “How do you feel?” she asked as she washed her hands in the round basin sink.

“Better than I have in a long time,” she admitted, looking up when she realized Anetra was offering out a robe to her, which she graciously took and wrapped herself in. “Thank you so much, if there’s anything I can ever–”

“Don’t worry about it,” she cut her off with a gentle smile. “I’m glad I could help.” She leaned against the counter as she watched Marcia seem to come back down to earth, amused that she still seemed flustered. “That said, next time you want an ending like that, you gotta take me to dinner first.”

[comerosas]

Sorry if this is outta nowhere, but in a desperate attempt to find people on here to relate to, I found a post of yours on an old, I assume abandoned, blog, about being a mexican trans guy/transmasc, and man. I felt that deeply. I'm also a mexican trans guy :) and I've been dying to find other mexican trans guys to like share these feelings like how you were talking in that post: losing your very large family bc you're trans, fearing they'd be straight up transphobic or just weird. I'm also not close with my extended family, and seldom visit mexico, but it's still a fear of mine, yknow? Being cut off because I wanna just be me. I'm not out yet to anyone, but these are the thoughts I have as part of why I'm so hesitant to transition and tell my family. But anyways yeah, I'm glad I found your post. I feel better knowing I'm not alone in those feelings. I wish you well, buddy :)

hey this ask was to be honest kind of weird to get (not in a bad way at all) because im not very active on tumblr and i purposefully avoid bringing attention to myself... but this ask also kind of means a lot to me.

i'd have to go back and find the post youre referencing cuz i dont remember how long ago i made it (was it on an older blog that links to this newer one?) but i completely understand (and have gone through) your desperation to find people like you. forgive me if this gets too rambley. i have a lot of thoughts on this.

even though trans people are everywhere online bc of the safety of being open online, it still feels extremely hard to find anything about a specific culture or not about white trans people. i kind of went crazy over it earlier in my transition. there is no advice or specific writings about how to come out to specifically latin american (MORE specifically mexican catholic) families and get them to understand you.

what happened to me was really weird and i'm not sure how common it is... i came out to my mom who is tolerant but early on said she doesnt approve. she said she would talk to my dad about it but he has never talked to me about being trans, and my parents never bring it up ever. its like a huge elephant in the room. it makes my plans of getting top surgery asap quite complicated (i came out at 23 yrs old and my mom said im too young for surgery)

online stuff related to nonwhite ftms is already quite rare, and even moreso when you look up stuff for specific groups like black, latine, asian, etc trans guys. theres a subreddit for trans men of color that i always forget the exact name of (its r/tmpoc had to look it up lol) and it is a nice read but its not as active as i wish. these frustrations of mine are compounded by the fact that although i am fluent in spanish, i'm much slower at reading it than with english so i have no ties to any online spanish speaking communities, nor do i know how to seek those communities out.

theres so much more i wish i had transition-related advice for, even for sillier smaller worries that I have. i think this is a weird time to be trans, theres a lot more visibility than people like us had in decades past, but theres still a lot of unknown territory and a lot of fear nowadays. because its hard to find stuff for your particular experience, sometimes you feel you could/should take up some kind of mantle as a spokesperson to help others like you... theres a lot of misinfo ive seen online about transition but i'm way too reclusive and private to put myself out there.

idk if youll end up reading this anon (does tumblr even notify you of anon asks being answered lol?) but either way i hope you end up finding more people like you, and i hope you can find even a little bit of community. and of course thank you for the kind words :)

[stupidbeecandle]

who are you????????? you're like so cool and you follow me on tumblr????

you had a massage job with a flirty muscle lady and now you're asking your adviser to do some work within the bdsm community and I have no idea what you even do??

you're like a cool person how is that possible on tumblr dot com

Aww, thanks. Despite all the people saying Id eventually grow out of wanting to be cool, that was a lie and the while world runs on flattery! I think im cool too, but im supposed to politely say thanks instead of hamming it up.

Im kind of a jack of dropped trades. Wanted to be a fieldresearch wildlife biologist for awhile but then dropped out to dissapoint my family and move in with my partner 4 states over. Loved being a massage therapist but got frustrated with my level of power in the medical system. (Not from clients but from insurance companies and other healthcare providers, it was so frustrating advocating my clients get their sessions paid for when they had "legitimate" pain (all pain is legit)).

So now Im working to get my doctorate in occupational therapy which is kind of like applied pt and psychology. We ask clients what they want to do, find what is preventing that task from being done, and address that prevention either by removing it, finding substitutions, or ways to help reduce the problem. Lots of OTs work in schools with kiddos who have barriers to doing homework. Some with adults who want to get back into crochet or cooking after a hand injury and we need to practice how thatl work.

Specifically I want to work with people who want to have sex, but have access issues due to health and safety. Maybe they have spinal cord injuries, maybe they have RA, maybe their bp medication makes their skin tear dangerously easily in unsexy and life threatening ways. Who better to address these concerns than the bdsm community who work so hard to design toys, buildings, furniture and mpre to support boring sex, weird sex, almost sex, not sex, wild sex, and competitive ranked sex. (Also everyone who has any awareness of the culture can clock me and my partner from blocks away even in a plainclothes setting just by posture alone)

I have to spend an entire year (at least) doing a big project for the school and then present it to people who will try to make me speak for and defend the research (this is tradition in america). I might just end up lurking at a sexual health clinic like planned parenthood but I dont want to just cover sexual health yknow? I want to help people fuck however they want! Best of all my school SEEMS to support my ideas sofar because sexual health and family planning are deeply important and very poorly addressed in our society. but we shall see how things continue to go. Love my school, they let me cosplay on a clinical gradschool campus and take my commentary on subcultures and nontraditional lifestyles very seriously.

Glad I could make someone happy by doin my thing. Thats a little about who i am

[httpiastri]

Hello love!

It's been a little while, so first of all-Happy belated birthday! I saw the messages on the day and wanted to write a little something, but then I got so busy 🙈 so I wish you all the best, for all of your wishes to be fulfilled and a great year overall!

I really like the new layout, it seems so calm 🩵

I feel like my life has been so busy lately, I barely had time to catch my breath. But for now, I am incredibly happy to be here and getting to know me again in a completely different environment. My host family is so lovely and last weekend I met some nice au pairs that live really close to me, so now I am not even alone anymore haha!

Being here also means that I am kinda always out and about, so I only watched fp3 yesterday and the start of the f2 race today. It's a shame it got cancelled so soon :( but safety first of course!

I won't be able to watch the F1 race tomorrow, but I am still hoping for some Lando magic. I really want him to win the race, but I also want to be there and watch it live? But it will be Max's win anyways lol!

In the last ask you said you were planning dropping out of uni- I am sorry to hear that, even though its probably for the best if you don't like the subjects. I don't know how people react in your country with news like that, but just remember that it's most important to be happy with what you do! (Who knows? Maybe you want to do a year abroad somewhere as well?)

I will probably catch up on all the writing you uploaded in the last couple of days and go to bed then- I am exhausted 😴

-✨

love! hello!! thank you so much, i hope you get a lovely year too 💘 and thank you! my old theme was so random shssjhs i do enjoy this a bit more !!

aw it makes me so glad to hear that you are happy and that the people around you are good to you. and i love the positive mindset! it must be really challenging but you’re doing so well 🥹 and oooo you met some people!! that’s lovely !!! are they from a lot of different countries or is it all kind of similar? if you get what i mean shsksjs

yeah it must be hard to keep track of all racing when you’re so busy… i was disappointed about them cancelling f2 but i do think it was a good choice, it didn’t seem very safe. it just sucks that they can’t like postpone sessions instead of cancel them :( like i get that it’s because of the schedule on the track but it still sucks! for everyone probably

!! crossing my fingers for lando tomorrow !!!! hoping for maybe a little rain (but not so much that it’s dangerous) for tomorrow’s f2 feature so arthur can get some easy climbing…. pls he deserves some points 🙏🙏🙏

hmm well in my country i guess it’s kinda like… not super weird to not go to uni? or at least it’s common to take a few years off to work and stuff after high school. the good thing about sweden is that school doesn’t cost anything so i have no debts and won’t lose any money for dropping out, which i guess is a big problem for people dropping out in other countries. we even get paid to go to school here, and tbh i was gonna use that money to pay for rent but that’s not happening now…. so well 🫠 but yes thank you, i will try to remember that!! <3

to be honest, i’ve thought a lot about moving to another major city or even going abroad, because recently i feel like this place isn’t for me in some way. i applied (and got accepted) to a school in the second biggest city, but i have too many responsibilities here this year that i just can’t escape from so it just wouldn’t work out 🥲 but i really do think that moving abroad is going to be the goal for me for the future! idk how but im gonna try to make it happen lmao!! i shall take inspiration from your braveness 🥰🤭

awh, i hope you get some good sleep and dream sweet dreams of our boys!! 😚😚😚

[simmerdowndee]

NOAHS HEART CHAPTER TEN SERIES FINALE PART THREE

I don’t think Noah has ever been this upset with me before. Even when we have disagreements, we still follow our nightly routine; We get ready for bed, and he holds me all night. This man slept so far away from me; he might as well have slept on the floor. I woke up before him and made breakfast, he didn’t even stop in the kitchen. He got ready for work and left. I was hoping he would have calm down by now so I can talk to him, and at least apologize for keeping it from him. My intentions were pure however. I really wanted to protect him from further drama. What if he continues to avoid me? What if he’s thinking about leaving me? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t know what to do?? I’m going to talk to Dakota and Theo. They have known him the longest.

Dakota and Theo are thankfully home today, so I make my way over to their place.

Dakota: Alyse, what’s going on?

Alyse: He’s going to leave me, isn’t he? *Alyse becomes hysterical*

Dakota: Who is going to leave you? Noah? Theo: Alyse, why would he leave you?

*Alyse pulls herself together a bit*

Alyse: I met with Keon yesterday, alone. Dakota: WHY? Alyse: I wanted to give him the chance to walk away without further consequences. He actually agreed. Alyse: Noah saw us when we met, and has not spoken to me since confronting me about it yesterday.  Alyse: What If he leaves me?? Theo: He won’t do that.

Dakota: Theo is right, he wont just leave you Alyse. Alyse: Do you think he hates me??

Dakota: No, he doesn’t Alyse. He is probably very disappointed in you, but he doesn’t hate you. Theo mouthing to Dakota: I’m going to call Noah.

(Noah)

I haven’t been able to really focus on work today. I’m still upset that she went and saw him behind my back, but I also feel bad for not speaking to her. I know it wasn’t done to be malicious, but we both agreed she wouldn’t be with him alone, ever. I don’t know what could have happened.

*Noah’s phone rings*

Noah: What’s up man. Theo: Hey, I think you should come over to our place. Alyse is over here hysterical. Noah: What? Why? Theo: She thinks you’re going to leave her for meeting with Keon. Noah: Shit, okay. I will be there soon.

I head over to the house. I don’t understand why she thinks I’m going to leave her? I had planned to come home and just talk to her about it.

Noah: Alyse, what is happening? Alyse: NOAH IM SO SORRY, PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.

Noah: Baby, calm down. I am not leaving you, period. Alyse: I’m sorry Noah. I shouldn’t have done that without telling you.

Alyse: I just wanted to end all this commotion peacefully. Alyse: I promise I wasn’t protecting him. I would never protect him. Noah: Alyse, I want you to understand the reason I was upset is because you went to do this alone, without me, Theo, or anyone who could protect you if he decided to become violent or belligerent.  Noah: I understand why you wanted to do it perfectly. Noah: My main concern is always going to be your safety. Alyse: Baby, I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me. Alyse: I promise I won’t do anything like this again. I swear.

Noah: I believe you babe. Noah: I love you, Alyse.

Alyse: I love you so much.

Noah: Please calm down, you are as red as a tomato. Dakota: *Chuckles* Theo: Don’t laugh babe. Dakota: My bad. Alyse: Its okay, I probably am. *Laughs* Alyse: Sorry for coming over and causing all this mess.

Theo: Its okay, we’re always here if you need something. Dakota whispering to Theo: If one of your exes ever decides to stalk you and you decide to meet up with her behind my back, I will take you both out on sight; Do you hear me? Theo: Loud and clear. Noah: C’mon, lets go home. Noah: Thanks for calling me. Theo: Of course. Dakota: Now go home and be a happy couple, before I smack you upside the head. Noah: Why is she so violent? Theo: I dunno, but I kinda like it so… Noah: Terrible. Dakota: *Laughs*

We head home and spend some time together with Teo. I don’t want her to ever think I’m going to leave her. She is stuck with me for the rest of our lives.

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

i swear i’m posting this question everywhere BUT!!!

i’m moving out in one month and 9 days (yay) and the anxiety is just hitting me (not yay) and i’d like advice

i’ll be living alone in a 1 bed 1 bath townhouse that’s three hours away from home. i’ll be keeping all of my healthcare providers because i’m not moving out of state and as long as i do one in person session a year i can do telehealth for visits, which is great bc ive seen my psychiatrist for 10 years now and i refuse to leave her until she retires.

it you read my personal posts you probably know i’ve been going through it with my bipolar 1, though i did just go up on one of my meds yesterday and at least today ive felt a bit more stable so we’ll see how this goes. i also get paranoid when it gets dark and the changing of the seasons is a big trigger for psychotic symptoms episodes (though i already had one in the summer and am now on an absolute ridiculously high dose of my antipsychotics, so i hope it’s out of my system lol), and though i can rationalize with myself a lot better now, after 13 years of psychosis, it’s a hard habit to break because of how strong the connection is in my mind. basically what i’m saying is my schizoaffective disorder may be a little bit of an asshole when i move out and idk what i should and shouldn’t do

i have an urgent care 5 min from the apartment so if anything serious happens i can get medical attention easily, but as i said in my last vent post, even though im struggling a lot, and my brain very much wants me to give up, im so so so close to living the way young me wanted to: on my own while working on my double major in history and education bachelors degree, get my masters, and going on to be a high school history teacher. i have a required archeology course and that’s making me so happy i can’t breathe because before i wanted to teach i wanted to be an archeologist. my inner child is having a field day. i’ve wanted that for so long and it’s so close i can almost touch it. i want to get better, i want to breathe easy because this has been a hell of ride and i want to make my childhood self proud. i want him to see that i’ve pushed through, even if im still struggling a lot.

if you’ve experienced mental illness of any kind really, but especially if you’re schizo/psychosis-spec or bipolar 1 or moved out during a difficult episode, and you moved out and had to live alone (i won’t have roommates), can you reply to this post and give me some advice? im working with my therapist during our sessions to build a safety plan and building skills to help self-soothe but i would love to hear from people who have a similar story as mine, especially when it comes to dealing with day-to-day life instead of just while in crisis

[wyvernest]

cregan stark x f! targaryen! reader

first part - previous part - next part | all chapters list

>>Queen Rhaenyra has sent you away from the brewing war to safety since your brother, Jacaerys, has secured the Pact of Ice and Fire. You have to honor it by marrying Lord Cregan Stark, Warden of the North.

cw: slow burn, fluff, eventual smut, angst, follows book events with slight deviations, im planning to let jacaerys live!! every chapter is about 2 -2.5k wc

chapter cw: tension, fluff, angst, cheek kisses?, half of the wedding, angsty letter from jace

Your heavy, wooden chamber door creaks open as gentle footsteps enter. A knock, a belated politesse, finally rouses you. You clumsily bring the covers up below your eyes. The sun is up.

“Sister.” A joyful girl walks up to you and sits on the edge of the bed. “Good morrow!”

“Good morrow.” You respond from beneath the white linen, wishing to reciprocate the amiability, yet bewilderment holds you back.

You momentarily recall your delicate situation, yesterday's festivities, Jacaerys leaving, and last night.

Last night. How Cregan welcomed you into his chambers and offered you a glimpse of his sentiments. How gentle he was, and most of all, how your heart fluttered in your chest when his lips touched your knuckles. How your mind numbed when you felt, even for a mere moment, his warm breath on the flushed skin of your hand.

You remembered how he escorted you back after you talked, your arm once again curled around his; how you felt his strength even through thick clothing. How he walked slower than his usually commanding stroll through the castle just to indulge you. How sweet his voice was wishing you a good night’s rest.

Though it's barely been a day, the fondness for the northerner that sprouted in your heart has grown undeniable.

“I’m Sara. I regret I could not receive you yesterday, I was on a scouting troupe, returning from White Harbour. You never know what ships dock on the east coast, ‘specially now that you’re here.”

“Sara!” You call aloud in sincere enthusiasm, finally realising who the woman is, and she quickly silences you with a gentle hand over your mouth.

“I’m not supposed to be here.” she giggles, smiling ear-to-ear at your gleeful reaction. “My brother wanted you to have your privacy.” She confesses, her voice descending into a whisper. “He thinks it would accustom you more painlessly into your new home, for that’s what he always does when he’s troubled.”

“He always does what?” You inquire, mimicking her tone like a young girl gossipping for the very first time.

“Retreats into the Godswood,” she waves her hand dismissively, “goes hunting, or even goes to other places I dare not mention yet.”

Oh.

Your eyes widen, and she becomes aware of the possible implications of what she said.

“Not those kinds of places. He means to be alone when he ponders his decisions. Some places are secluded even from me, though I’ve uncovered some, before he could even hold Ice in his hands.”

You smile, in relief, happy with the friendliness of your new confidant.

“Though usually I’d also feel the impulse to seek peace of mind in solitude, right now I want to be anything but alone.”

“Thought so.” She takes both your hands in hers, and a shiver runs through your spine at the semblance between his former gesture and hers. Brothers indeed.

“We are sisters now, you and I. And I do hope you do not resent me, for the reason you’re here.”

At first, you had your spite. Because of the position your brother put you in, the fear of being thrown in the arms of a monster while she had such a free choice. But Jacaerys eventually pacified you, and along with the reassurance that Cregan would make a more-than-fine husband.

And alas, she had no fault in the two mens’ negotiations.

“I do not. I am deeply grateful to have your sympathies.”

“So am I.” She moves away from you as if to leave, but seemingly remembers something of great importance and returns.

“Do not be fooled by appearances. My brother is one to care deeply, and love fiercely. And tonight will be about you.”

Tonight.

The wedding.

The bedding.

“Sara.” You grab her hand to hold her in place. “I’m scared. Of the ceremony.” You explain.

Your mother, Rhaenyra, and Daemon “The Rogue Prince” had a Valyrian wedding, in accord with Valyrian customs. But you were in the North, where, just like in every other part of the Seven Kingdoms, old gods or new, even highborn brides had to endure a bedding ritual.

“I’ll-”

You both turn as you hear three firm knocks on the door. Sara nods comfortingly, yet you do not know what she means by it.

She gets up and rushes to open the door, attempting to squeeze herself through the door frame, seemingly wanting to depart even before the other person gets in. None other than the Lord of Winterfell steps into the chamber, eyeing her with severity. She twists her face into a sly smile before running off.

“Good morrow, my lady.” He smiles, shutting the door behind him. “I see you two have met rather unceremoniously.”

“I’m not one for unnecessary grandiosity. Plain sincerity has always been harder to come across.”

You cannot help but notice he is now wearing a more homey attire; a dark grey linen tunic, dark trousers and a wide leather belt adorned with intricate decorations along its length. You relish the way he appears to be opening up to you, even through something as meagre as clothing.

“True enough. I hope she did not startle you.”

“Not startle, just…surprise. Yet I admit, it was a welcomed surprise. I found her endearing.” You disclose, wanting to encourage him to also be as open as his half-sister if he wished it.

He smiles, ever so slightly, and you invite him to sit on the edge of the bed with a friendly nod. Even if you still feel the polite need to hold the bed covers up to your neck abashedly, you cherish his presence.

“I have urged our tailors to make dresses suitable for you. For your family’s house and mine own. Whenever you are ready, Sara shall accompany you, tradition forbids me from spoiling the sight of you in them.”

“I will gladly have her with me.”

You smile at him, and a force you can only sense as longing pushes you forward, closer to him. When he doesn’t back away, you press your lips to his cheek into an enormously soft peck, an unruly strand of his hair tickling your face.

You lean back, studying his face attentively. Maybe you shouldn’t have done that. It was improper. But you’ll kiss tonight all the same. But his lover? Fuck, what if he does love someone else?

“She shall wait for you in the hall.” he breaks the silence, his eyes studying you in return, clearly searching for the sentiments that pushed you to such an act. You cannot tell if he feels pleased or simply softened his expression for you not to feel ashamed.

Damn courtesy.

He gets up to leave, and you cannot find it in your heart to ask for the truth. What kind of a man would admit to loving someone else so freely and remorselessly?

“Marvellous!” Sara compliments as she adjusts your hair over the last garment you have tried on.

Marvellous indeed. It is heavy and thick with white furs, as part of the wedding would be held outside, in the Godswood, yet it does not fail to astonish.

Around the neck, plunge silvery-woven dragons, meeting in the front, below the elbows which are adorned with more bright ornaments in shapes of pine leaves and branches stopping where the arms begin, akin to shoulder plates of heavy armour. Around the waist stands a leather belt cut into an upside down V shape that seems to drip down from the dragon heads, fire turned to ice; the belt itself decorated, but this time with northern motifs you have also seen in the castle of Winterfell itself.

Truly mastercrafted, and truly the union of House Targaryen and House Stark.

“I don't believe I've ever laid my eyes on a more beautiful dress.”

Sara smiles incredulously, yet accepts your amazement. For you, it isn't only the garment itself; it is its meaning; the acceptance of your new home, with the promise that the former would not be forgotten.

As the noon passes you return to the keep with Sara, the yards and homes quiver with life and mirth for the incoming celebrations. The great hall is being arranged, and you almost feel blameworthy for all the efforts put into the preparations just to live up to your rank.

Your maids aid you with the dress, the hair, and excitedly chatter with you about your presence in Winterfell, growing loud and unrestrained as you encourage them to speak their minds.

“My nanna worried that our fealty to you would bring naught but misery. That our Lord would march South in the midst of winter.”

“Gods willed it that he stayed. Most of us wouldn't have remained amongst the living to see the end of the war if he hadn't.” One of the older maids added while nervously fixing silvery ornaments in your hair.

“But are the Gods in their favour as well? Who knows what the usurper'll do if the Blacks do not prevail.”

“Lord Stark will have to bend the knee again.”

“After they've delivered justice to all fighting men.”

“I believe odds are with us.” You intervene, calming them down, yet disturbed with the memory of Luke. “Even against Vhagar, we have the most experienced dragon riders on our side.” You assure, more for yourself or for them, you do not know.

“Aye. What is strength if you do not have the wits to weild it?” Jeyne replies, one of the women you have grown closest to. You know dragons are not a force to weild as one would speak of a sword or a lance, but you bite back your tongue.

Whatever you could say would only make spirits boil again, and they seem to have just ceased worrying.

“It's done. As beautiful as the first sun after a harsh winter.”

As you walk down the hallways of the castle, all you can think of is how badly you wish your family were here. Your mother, brothers, sisters, Rhaenys and Corlys, even Daemon; how you long to see the familiar faces of the guards.

As you are escorted to the Weirwood tree, with people standing on each side of the path with such reverence in their eyes that it sends a shiver down your spine, a bellow rumbles from behind the dark grey cloud cover, faint shadows of white wings ripping through the skies.

Suvion emerges from the gloom, descending towards the castle, his wings hissing in the brisk air like winter winds as people gasp at the sight of him.

You hold yourself back, although you wish you could break away from the crowd and fly with him again. As if he understands, he lands at the edge of the woods and watches the glimmer of the candles and torches of the ritual from afar.

With your heart now full of courage that at least your dragon, of your entire family, would be with you for this paramount moment in your life, you step with new found confidence towards the tree, where Cregan stood waiting for you.

You accept him wholeheartedly, and as your hands are joined, you feel your skin cold against his. The heat of his touch draws you in, and you sinfully wish to make haste and finally be held in his arms, away from the frost of Winterfell nights.

When you rise back up and he places his cloak atop your shoulders with such gentleness that can only make you weak in the knees, you finally realise it.

You become aware, that you are now, and for as long as you live, his. You are to be and act as one, and be separated only by death itself.

Although normally it would have frightened you, the thought of it now grounds you and warms your insides. It was beautiful, and not every highborn lady had the privilege of sincerely blushing at her betrothed’s acts of kindness. You liked Lord Cregan Stark, and you can only hope he liked you just as purely.

As the ceremony in the Godswood ends, the entire court seems to be holding its breath.

“My lady wife.” Cregan declares, gesturing for you to wrap an arm around his neck. You almost forgot.

In a swift motion you are swept off your feet as he picks you up in his arms and starts carrying you back towards the castle as people cheer and come along.

The steady pace of his walking is both soothing and thrilling; it makes you feel protected and cherished, yet it reminds you of what's to come after the feast.

He carries you with an ease that stuns and entices you, with all the furs and heavy pelts, he manages to safely hold you.

Fuck it.

You wrap both hands around his neck, and you feel his grip on your legs and waist tighten as he continues to approach the entrance of the yard.

Pulling yourself closer, you once more lay a soft kiss on his cheek, feeling his body heat directly on your cold face, breathing in the unique scent of him.

People are quick to notice the display of affection as the cheering suddenly grows louder and wilder around you.

Warm, bright lights force you to squint your eyes as you arrive in the Great Hall and the people shout merrily, standing up from their seats.

Yet just as the festivities were about to unfold, the maester comes up to Lord Cregan and humbly hands him a raven message.

Your breathing stops. The people continue to cheer as mayhaps most did not notice the exchange, but you hear them no longer.

His brows furrow as he reads.

“We will be excused for now.” He announces to the maester and turns to you, holding out his hand. "Come. It is important.”

You heart beats like battle drums.

He takes you back to his chambers and shuts the door. For a mere moment, you dare believe it was only a show put up for the guests so he would slyly spare you from the bedding ritual.

Yet you would have preferred the ritual over the news you were about to receive.

“I must first apologise. It is not right to deprive you of the happiness of this night.” he begins, his voice as soft as always when he spoke to you, yet what he is saying does not let you relish in it. “But to hide this from you is to dishonour this night and the memory of it once I would have told you.”

Your hand quivers as you open the small scroll.

a/n: i would've made the font in the letter more mediaeval but i realised 𝖎𝖙'𝖘 𝖍𝖆𝖗𝖉 𝖆𝖘 𝖘𝖍𝖎𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉 for some and that's not the point

tags <3

tumblr is fucking with the tags ill figure something out

[dumbbitchfrommars]

"princess diana"

why is my making an effort to look and feel pretty, when i am in a low place, trying to break away and distract myself from the seemingly endless stress and turmoil my life is right now, exactly WHY is that such a fucking crime?

why is it that i feel like such a caricature of a woman when i make an effort to feel in touch with my feminine side? why does it feel like an overcompensation, an oversaturated and overdone attempt at hiding behind a costume? why when i look at my sisters in their many different states of being, does it all seem so effortless, when all i want is to feel like myself, like my best, like im beautiful too.

why is it such a crime to want that feeling of security and safety for myself?

i am completely afraid of going on this trip and having to face my true self, to be vulnerable with a person i dont trust and avoid completely, to know that everyone sees the block that i have in me and how pathetic it is that i can barely break through. like they all clearly have. because theyre all so fucking emotionally grown.

apparently i hide behind my maturity to avoid my wounded inner child.

all of the sudden im walking around with a target on my back.

maybe i was too quick to stop seeing my psychologist?

cause right now all i feel is rage and frustration and pain. because i really do feel like im alone, and no one including myself can make me feel safe. yet all i have ever done is try to make everyone else feel safe in my presence. when will this energy be returned to me?

why is it such a crime to ask for these things for myself? why am i so unworthy? because i dont have a fucking second to be alone when its all i fucking crave from life? for the past month all i have wanted was a second to return to myself. to workout again, to do yoga again, to go for a walk with myself again, to appreciate the lovely little beauties in life that only i can share with myself because there is no one else like me. to see from the perspective that i lost and quickly became more and more restricted the more i felt in survival mode. trying to rush to get every task done. every task that no one else would ever do.

right now it feels like no one truly appreciates the uniqueness of who i am. they just see all my flaws and weaknesses. i guess trying is not good enough, i guess something has to change.

somethings gotta give.

my best change comes from distancing myself from external energies when i come to these roadblocks and uncomfortable feelings within me, but it seems like distance could be a hard thing to reach at the moment.

even the fucking cat doesn't like me.

nobody likes me when im miserable.

its the cold hard truth.

nobody likes you when youre miserable.

sorry! dont like you. good luck with your depression and anxiety. youre on your own now.

i understand in a sense, not having the time or patience for it. i feel like maybe when you reach that plateau of spiritual growth you do tend to step up on the pedestal above all the puny, pathetic undeveloped non-spiritual folk.

what makes them any different to me in this scenario?

not nice being the one below looking up huh.

the difference between me and the people who i cut off - people i slowly distanced myself away from and never once was hurtful or bullied, just genuinely stop resonating with and took the step back from - is that i am making an active effort to try become better.

but apparently my own timing doesnt work for you. apparently my process doesnt look like yours and therefore is not valid. and so i become the butt of a joke that im not laughing at. or i am... because im a people pleaser.

fuck my life.

am i not allowed this one moment? this one reprieve from the shittiness of my situation at the moment to be completely and annoyingly drained, pathetic and enraged? is that not allowed anymore????? let me fucking live my life! this was my first day off in god knows how long, and i still ended up with a schedule jammed full of plans to run around doing things for other people!

im supposed to be writing my FUCKING THESIS!!!

my fucking fucking fuckoubgrafubnbge thesis .

AND OF COURSE TO TOP IT ALL OFF MY DUMBASS COWORKER OVERCHARGED ME WHEN I CAME IN SPECIFICALLY BUYING A PRODUCT FOR THE FUCKING DISCOUNT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING APPLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

its so exhausting to carry all these pent up emotions around with me. like a child. a child who doesnt know what to do with it all because its too big.

the most hurtful thing to me is that no one shares my unconditional love and adoration for all small humans and animals. especially dogs. even the ones who claim to be the closest to me, my best friend, sisters. to not share it, to not even acknowledge it in me, to reject that part of me. to judge that part of me. who the fuck do you think you are? claiming to love me and not see that side of me. to not want to see it. to ignore it. to reject it...

some part of me... i think its my inner child. its a part of my inner child. but not me when i was little... me when i was bigger, but still little. she wants me to sit it out tomorrow. to leave myself out to send the message that im hurt, and im angry, and i dont want anything to do with people who hurt me. that they have done something wrong, and should know that something is wrong, but i wont tell them why.

then theyll ask me what happened, and ill say nothing even though its something. and hold onto that pent up resentment until the next thing goes wrong.

or i tell them, and its explosive, and messy, and poorly executed, and very well mean the end of the relationship in its entirety. all for a small moment that triggered an insecurity in me.

god im so sensitive. im so sensitive but no one wants to see it. no one wants to acknowledge it. because my walls are so far up that i wont let them. and when they notice... well. i guess it doesnt matter.. because ive been hiding so long. im always hiding. whenever it shows, its rejected. i keep feeling so rejected. what the fuck is going on with me...

i feel like a pathetic child.

im hurt.

im tired, im exhausted, im burnt out, ive overextended myself, all i want is for things to be light and fun again but it feels like it never will be. it feels like it wont get better in time for the trip or the festival. it feels like im gonna let everyone down. it feels like im just one huge disappointment.

what happened to not taking things personally?

i keep thinking that to myself. but thinking it and embodying it are two different things. im repeating the words to myself like a whisper in the background, as i watch myself continue to fall deeper into this despair of "why me?" like a viewer behind a TV screen.

i actually have noticed ive been disassociating a lot more than usual lately. im just mentally checked out. i wish i could just... disappear somewhere. somewhere totally isolated where i could be by myself. maybe ill get that at the festival. maybe what i feared, being abandoned, will be exactly what i need. to just float in the water and stare at the sky for as long as i need to forget all my problems.

i dont know whats going on with me now but i just hope its over soon. i hope its over before it gets bad enough for me to revert to my old ways. i just want to be okay again. i just want to feel safe again, and to not be afraid, and to not be angry, and to be in love with life again. to be in love with myself, to accept myself, to not hate myself, to not be angry with myself, to not feel like its all coming apart, to not feel like im doing it all wrong when im giving it my all.

[catgirlbussy]

i had a long post planned where i wanted to share some insights id had re trans stuff and follow with asking if others wanted to share their experiences in the same type of deal but today i am just sad. i dont have it in me.

I wrote what's below to try to remind myself that even though I feel like I have so much left before I can even relax that it's okay to take care of my wellbeing, and it's completely okay if you don't want to read that for any reason.

I hope everyone can find positive things in their lives today, take care <3.

I struggle to justify in my mind that the time to work on myself and find healthier ways of viewing my identity and person and mind is worth it when i feel like i cant even keep up with all the effort required of trying to fix the burning fires of my finances and managing my business and dealing with mountains of backlog objectives like even just organising my books or putting the furniture and belongings back in place in my office after the two water damage incidents.

I want to feel happy my body is changing with HRT in the ways id always dreamed of and never thought could be real for me. I want to feel happy that im making new friends with folks who appreciate that its so scary for me to be social despite how lonely i am and /want to be more social/ and see that im trying because i cant stop feeling like im letting them all down by not having evn just stablised my life at this point.

my real issue is nearly three decades of viciously integrated self-hatred by being stuck with a family that didnt want me around and felt i wasnt good enough. I dont even want to intellectually process that at this point now cause i know i dont have it in me, im just trying to remind myself again and again that im worth it and its okay to take care of myself and im allowed to be alive and to exist in the world and to take up space even in the small unimportant ways i do. i want to feel like if i can manage to keep pushing for long enough ill still want to be |alive| at the end of this rough journey when i finally have some stability again and am not struggling dah to day.

Why am i posting on tumblr to people i almost universally do not know at all in case someone happens to see this? It terrifies me that even a small amount of people are just minutely aware i exist, even if its just liking something i reblogged or whatever. I /hide/, that's what i do. I try so hard to make sure as few people as possible know im around. Or at least that's what I've done for most the past decade. I am fighting so hard to practice just allowing myself to be around other people and not feel like im a burden for existing in the same room. I am explicitly not sending this to someone im friends with directly cause i know im sad so often i dont want them to feel more tiredness from their own busy lives with their own issues. It's not even that they aren't supportive, the few close friends i have these days regularly are so blindingly kind and thoughtful to me and my struggles and actively try to help me how they are able that i weep out of an awful and frustratingly ambiguous mixture of appreciation and guilt that they're spending time on me. Spending time /with me/.

Im not tagging this or mentioning anyone or whatever, I'm not trying to farm engagement or gain followers or anything. I offered the first paragraph + the line break as a way for people to not have clutter in their feed if this does pop up for them somehow but they don't want to read it. I'm still quite new to tumblr and i don't know very well yet how the feed aggregation works for people in its current state. I'm just practicing taking up space and showing for myself the world doesn't collapse because im there.

If anyone does read this, please know you're worth it. You deserve to feel valid and worthy of love and respect and safety. You deserve the joys of community and the security in knowing you're not facing things alone. Even if feel you've made mistakes, I love you for being alive and am grateful you are. You're allowed to be imperfect in this world. If you're trans, like me, but also if you aren't, cause this isn't just for trans folks, whoever you are, you're important.

This pic I saw somewhere on tumblr but I can't even remember where I saved it from, I just save pics that make me happy and maybe wanna show friends. Whoever made this, thank you. Music is one of my most essential reasons for living.

[yannig]

I personnaly love the idea that Kim is very aware of his father's manipulations, on a level Kinn isn't (which is basically canon). And so he's removing himself from Kinn as much as possible because if they don't have a relationship at all then Korn can't use them against each other (be it by pitting them against each other or using their affection for each other the way Gun does with Macau and Vegas). So he thinks it's safer for both of them if Korn think they don't care about each other.

And on top of that, he kinda resent Kinn for not seeing how bad Korn is, for still respecting him so much, when he's Kim's worst ennemi, far beyond Gun or Vegas. When all Kim wants is an opportunity to kill Korn. [I am of the opinion Korn should have died, and I hate that he won in the end, and if Kinn won't kill him then Kim should get to do it. As a treat for everything he put him through. (Porsche or Chay are also options but that's a different discussion.)] Imo, Kim's murder board is about piecing together Korn's plans so he can get rid of him. For everyone's safety, both his own and his brothers. But Kinn won't see how dangerous Korn is and part of Kim kinda hates him for it. And he can't even express that because any emotion he shows toward Kinn can and will be used against them, so he has no option but to bottle it up and let it fester.

And on Kinn's side, there is also some resentment because he feels like both his brothers left him alone ; and to make it worst Kim does it by fulfilling a dream that was Kinn's first. Kinn loves music, he loves singing and playing guitar, we learn that when he's lost in the forest with Porsche. I usually headcannon that he's the one who got Kim into music in the first place. And now Kinn can't play music anymore because he has the heir's responsibilities to shoulder, because Thankhun won't, and Kim is leaving him too and living his dream, and he loves them but he can't help but resent them too, because fuck, all he wants is someone at his side that he can trust but they won't do it, and what im saying is Kinn has abandonment issues.

what do you think is the reason why kim and kinn are so distant? do you think it was because of a major event(s) or a gradual build up?

oh this is such a good question thank you!

so like. honestly, i think there are a ton of possibilities, and my headcanons for this change in every fic i write.

the version i'm most inclined toward though is that it was a gradual build-up, and that Korn was in a large part responsible. like, Korn's father pitted his sons against each other, it seems, and now Korn and Gun are enemies, so it would be reasonable to assume that Korn is perpetuating the continuation of that cycle – pitting Kinn and Kim against each other in subtle ways as they grow up.

One of my favorite headcanons is that, in reality, Kinn and Kim are being very specifically groomed for certain positions = Kinn as leader, Kim as enforcer (similar to how Korn and Gun are) but that, to create competition, Korn would subtly imply that if either of them didn't excel at their duties, they would be dismissed – and that could mean very bad things, in the mafia. (one idea that i like, is that Khun's kidnapping was orchestrated, because he was not fulfilling his duties to Korn's standards. [this would even work if it wasn't orchestrated, and just implied to have been] so Kinn and Kim both...suspect, very vaguely, and understand what may be in store for them if they fail). So, in my fic "this tender violence" i went with the headcanon that when the whole Tawan fiasco happened, Korn planted the seed in their minds that Kinn could be replaced by Kim, and the fallout for Kinn if that happened would be... not good.

Obviously, this would never actually happen, because Kim's role in the family has already been established, and Korn is not actually going to put someone like Kim in a leadership role, but it makes the boys more distrustful of each other because it pits them against each other in a very dangerous way. we can look at it as competition, but i think resentment is more apt. Kim doesn't want to become the leader, and he resents Kinn for putting him in that position. Kinn thinks Kim is preparing to replace him, and he's scared of what that would mean for him. It situates Kim as an enemy to him, to a certain extent.

This particular headcanon would give Kim a really strong incentive to leave the family – he's protecting Kinn, in a way, by removing himself from the equation, but he's also screwing over Korn and protecting his own feelings by avoiding Kinn. If they don't communicate to clear the air, all of that resentment and fear isn't going to go anywhere. And it seems from canon like Kim is particularly responsible for the distance between them, which would make a lot of sense with this headcanon. Kim would not want to reach out to someone he thinks views him as an adversary/enemy, and he'd also not want Kinn to know he's trying to protect him. His martyr-complex is too big for that.

this is the headcanon i'm inclined to go with these days, but i'm definitely interested in hearing other takes on it!

thank you again for the ask <3

[hanniejji]

mono

[ xiao x little adepti!reader ]

summary: xiao realizes that he wasn't really alone.

note: i miss little devil and xiao :'> | m.list

words: 1622 | warnings: mentions of perilous trails and kinda shitty narrative because it's 4 am and im sleepy | REPOST

"they've been staying at that exact spot for three days, mister zhongli," verr turns to the child sitting on a blanket at the balcony of the inn with a worried look on her face. in her hands is a tray with a plate of almond tofu and a glass of water. she was just about to deliver it herself, when she came upon zhongli, who was also making his way to the balcony.

"i think they're waiting for xiao to come home," the gentleman can only sigh in response, for he had already expected this before he made his way to dihua marsh.

"i see. thank you for letting me know. may i?" he gestured to the plate and cup, "i came to check upon them, so if you don't mind?"

"of course," she carefully hands him the tray, "thank you. now, if you'd excuse me," she gives him one last smile—albeit a little sad—before turning to walk back to the front desk.

zhongli nods at her, before continuing his ascent to the balcony with the tray in his hand. the sound of his footsteps on the wooden platform alarms the figure on the floor, little shoulders perking up and turning around to face him.

your eyes are not as bright as they were a few weeks ago, zhongli noted.

"baba," you smile at him—too timid and doesn't reach their ears, he thought— "is that almond tofu?"

"indeed," he placed the tray on a nearby table, taking the plate and the fork and kneeling beside you on the blanket, "would you like to eat it now while it's still freshly made?"

"yes please."

handing you the plate and fork, you start to feed yourself little by little.

zhongli watches you do so from the corner of his eyes, lips tugging downwards from how you seem so… in your own world. silence was not an unusual thing with you, but this kind of eerie silence is slowly eating him. you've always been a child full of wonder and curiosity. if he's not retelling thousands of his stories, then it's you theorizing about everything and anything.

"baba," zhongli snapped out from his thoughts, gold eyes meeting your somber ones, "were do you think gege xiao is?"

oh.

so this is what this is about, zhongli turned his head towards the direction of the harbor, as if searching for an answer. in some ways, he is. he didn't want to speak about the chasm or xiao's impending doom to you.

"xiao is… facing a big obstacle right now."

"will he be alright?"

in all honesty, even zhongli doesn't have a definite answer. he knows xiao, alatus, is strong and more than capable of protecting himself and others. if he wasn't, he would have been swallowed by his karmic debt long ago. he is most resilient and devoted to his cause. but he is also too destructive for the sake of others—self sacrifice and unshakeable from his own principles. too much that he disregards his own safety.

"his safety is not guaranteed—" zhongli grimaced at the way your lips wobbled, "—but i can guarantee that the strength he had when he first decided to face his predicament, will be with him throughout and will remain within him right to the end."

zhongli pats the top of your head, letting your body lean on his side with a relieved smile at the somewhat at peace expression on your face.

he may not have quelled the storm within you, but he hopes that his words had at least given you more hope and confidence in your brother.

"i miss gege," you whimpered.

"worry not, little one. he'll return to us soon."

he says this to you and to himself.

xiao can feel exhaustion eating away inside him.

when he said that escaping will take everything he has, he really did mean that in all ways. the method used in the end wasn't the same as he had first planned, but either way, both still required all of his power.

the only difference was that there's a chance of survival with the second option.

well, he wouldn't have survived without rex lapis' help, but he at least came very close to that chance.

"heroes, huh," he says to himself, looking down at the shrine below him. the words that the traveler and the cow—ushi, was it?—had told him just a few minutes ago echoed in his mind.

a lot had transpired in just a few days—days for him but it might have taken them more or less than a week though, he's not too sure about that—and even after the vigilant yaksha said that he'd take their advice, there's still a lot to mentally go through with the whole experience.

maybe it was because seeing bosacius—for the last time—brought a lot of ache in his heart or the fact that he had almost met his end in the deep and dark underground space. perhaps it's a combination of both. for the few seconds that was spent falling into the depths of the chasm, he had felt the loneliest that he has ever been.

it somewhat scared him. the crippling fear when you know that it's the end and no one is there to witness you do so—it seems that yakshas do have fears of their own. his just happens to be the fear of dying without ever leaving a dent in someone's mind.

maybe this fear manifested because he was never really alone at all.

"gege!"

that's right. i was never truly alone. i just didn't really acknowledge that someone was there for me.

"gege!"

in fact, someone was always there for me, holding onto me.

xiao ignores the cries of rest from his muscles, limbs trembling at the ache that seems to dig itself into his bones. but he persevered, like he always does, pushing himself to stand.

"gege xiao."

the call for his name was clear as the sky—back at the chasm, he realized that the muffled noise he kept hearing at the back of his head was his name being called numerous times, the sound being blocked by whatever lives in that underground space. this time, finally, he can hear it as if the voice was right next to his ear. it sounded weak, a plea for him to appear.

it sounded like they've been calling him for so long only to be in vain.

with one last surge of his power, he enveloped himself with a green mist, disappearing and reappearing as fast as the wind could take him. only this time, his feet meet the wooden platform of his home.

ah, home. this is the first time i ever called someplace home.

"gege?..."

his head lifts up to where the sound came from, amber eyes meeting puffy ones—evidence of the time you've spent crying.

he says nothing, nor can he really think of something to say in this kind of situation. instead, he drags his heavy feet to your flabbergasted form on the floor.

once close enough, his knees fell to the ground with a loud thud, arms immediately sweeping you close with a relieved sigh.

"it's me," he whispers, "i'm here. i came back—and i'm never leaving you again."

after a moment of silence—you were still processing his sudden appearance—he hears the start of your cries, soft whimpers and sniffles right next to his ear and your small arms barely wrapping around his neck, fisting the cloth on his shoulder.

xiao does not initiate any kind of affection. yet here he is, striding towards you across the floor of the balcony with an urgency that you've never seen him have before, embracing you himself in a tight hug. it spurred more tears from your already weary eyes, the familiar warmth of your dear brother and his reassuring voice giving you a sense of peace—the ugly voices in your head are no more.

"w-where have you been?" you sobbed against his shoulder, trying your hardest to sound a little mad to scold him.

he only scoffs with mirth, finding your attempt endearing.

"i… met with my older brother."

"you left without telling me!" your fist thumps on his shoulders.

"forgive me, baobei—" he pulls away from the hug, calloused hands wiping the tears away from your puffy cheeks, "—i did not expect the trip to last weeks."

nor did i really think i'd ever come out alive.

"but i am here now," a rare smile appears on his face, immediately stopping you from your feigned tantrums to stare at him.

gege never smiles.

you sniffled, pouting at how he seemed unaffected. it must be an adult thing, you concur. still, this doesn't stop you from shooting him questions later.

"how was," you hiccuped, "how was your brother?"

a hum was his only response. he smooths down the disheveled mop of hair on your head, looking anywhere but your eyes.

"he's somewhere far from here."

"far from home?"

“mhm, very far. but where he is doesn't matter now," xiao shakes his head of any negative thoughts, "he may be far from us, but his memory will be preserved within our minds."

"can you tell me a story about him?"

"if you wish to hear it."

"mhm!" your eyes sparkled from excitement. it was xiao's first time to tell you a story from the past and you are more than ready to listen to his voice, his voice that you haven't heard in weeks.

"what was his name?"

"his name is bosacius. hundreds of years ago, i was not alone in protecting the land of liyue."

i was never alone before, nor am i alone now.

"there were four others—"

and now i have you.